Tomorrow I will be unemployed.

What better way to spend my new-found free time, than reviving my forgotten blog? So through a series of unforeseen events, I will be out of a job as of tomorrow. I won't go into details, or say anything slanderous on the off chance that someone actually does read this. In terms of life stressors, there is research that says that losing a job is right up there with death of a spouse, divorce, and jail time. I guess I have some street cred finally. I think that lady Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was onto something with her five stages of grief. I remember learning about this when I took AP psychology back in high school. It is a fascinating process. I think she came up with this theory in the 70s or so. Maybe I am an overachiever, but I think I've knocked the process down to four steps (I do have a masters degree, you know). Here is my new and improved model of grieving.

Stage 1: Messy outbursts of tears.
When I received the news, my eyes instantly teared up. I attribute most of this to complete shock and surprise. I usually tell people that I'm not a person who cries easily. This is part true, and part false. I usually do not cry at funerals and other death-related things, I pride myself on never having cried in my advisor's office (yet), I don't cry at happy things either. I don't get weepy over the sight of a beautiful baby, or a tacky wedding. I reserve my crying for ridiculous things, and usually when I am by myself. These triggers may include: episodes of ER, the scene in the Neverending Story where the horse dies, whenever my car breaks down, whenever I think too much about my future, and whenever I get overly stressed about something stupid. Interesting contrast, right? So it was a surprise to myself when I reacted with tears. To my credit, my eyes only watered, I did not sob. A girl has got to have some dignity. I saved my sobbing for the drive home and the rest of the afternoon I spent at home looking at job postings and trying to update my resume.

Stage 2: Anger
Kubler-Ross has this one right. When I woke up the next morning, my eyes were crazy puffy, like I had a stroke or something. I also had a horrible horrible headache, the kind behind the eyes when you cry too much. The good news was, I had no desire to cry. Instead, I was pissed. Like really really pissed. I began mentally recapping everything leading up to this event. I was mad both at the organization, my boss, and myself for not seeing the signs. I began to think about what kind of retaliation I could do, imagining conversations in my head, and other passive aggressive things. The best part about this stage was being able to have lunch with friends to discuss the situation. And guess what? They were pissed for me! There is nothing more satisfying that knowing you've been totally fucked over and finding out that others have your back.

Stage 3: Frightening, overzealous optimism
IMMA GET A NEW JOB! A BETTER JOB! MAYBE TEN JOBS! THAT PAY REAL GOOD! MWAHAHAHAHAH!
I'll be honest, I'm almost out of anger and have been in and out of stage 3 all day. Kubler-Ross uses acceptance, but that doesn't seem to map on quite right. I've kind of accepted things, but am still pissed and am instead overcompensating with my new found forward thinking. In reality, I know that I was better than that job, I am young, crazy intelligent, and actually have interpersonal skills. I will get another job that will be better, and I have plenty of time in my career.

Stage 4: Sneaky crippling bouts of depression and panic
This isn't really a stage, but maybe a recurring "mini stage". Or some kind of feedback loop? I haven't figured out a good graphical representation yet. I'll need some popsicle sticks and glitter to really make a solid visual model. Throughout the stages I keep coming back to this feeling. I freak out and wonder how I'm going to pay my bills, what happens if I can't get another job, where will I live, how will I feed my cat, and what am I doing with my life in general? I'm hoping that in time, this stage will diminish.

So that's my proposed revised model. I left out denial and bargaining, because let's face it, those are for suckers. I can't promise I will blog on a regular basis, but documenting this journey seems mildly interesting, right? Tomorrow I have my meeting to discuss my severance and all of that fun adult stuff. I'm not sure what to expect or how long it will take. I'm hoping to be able to clean out my desk and hopefully delete my browser history from my computer. And also to save e-mail addresses of people who might give me a new job. Will I be provided with a box? Should I bring my own? Maybe some reusable grocery bags? I have a lot of food in my desk to bring home. What if I leave something behind on accident? Should I leave something behind on purpose? Carve my name into the back of a desk drawer? Steal the screws out of my crappy office chair? So many things to think about. Wish me luck.

To the future! Onward and upward!