My cat hates that I am unemployed...

One of my favorite things about having a job was coming home and seeing how excited my cat was to see me after being away for eight long hours. She would come running to greet me at the door and purr like crazy.

This joy has been taken away from me.

In fact, my cat seems to be openly resentful about my new unemployed status.

Now that I am home almost all day, there is no opportunity for her to miss me. In addition, I seem to be encroaching on her space and daily routine. I haven't been sleeping in much, mainly because if I sleep past eight, she gets angry because I am not up feeding her. If I stay in bed, she will jump on me and try to bite me until I get up to feed her. I guess she is doing her part to keep me from falling into a deep depressive state and sleeping all day.

Whenever I am in my living room working at my computer, she either leaves the room to go sleep on my bed, or insists on getting all up in my business. For example, she has tried pushing my laptop off the table, eating my flashdrive while it is plugged in, and knocking over everything in my apartment. Does she want me to play with her? No. If I make any attempt, she loses interest and leaves the room. I can only assume she is communicating her displeasure with my being home all day and is essentially telling me to quit being a deadbeat and to go get a job.

Hopefully things get better soon, otherwise I will be looking for a therapist for us...
At least she hasn't written me a harsh letter, like this one.

IMMA EAT YOUR FLASHDRIVE!

How does unemployment affect your physical appearance?

So far unemployment has many of the same symptoms as taking comprehensive exams in graduate school. For those of you unfamiliar, comprehensive exams (for me, anyway) involved answering several essay questions over a span of about ten days. I don't remember much from that time, other than freaking out, being super stressed, crying a lot, not sleeping, and losing weight (see other unemployment posts).

Another unique link between the two, is that my unemployment status has brought on what I call "finals week face". Finals week face is when your skin breaks out like crazy in response to the insanity of finals week in your life. Previous research has shown mixed findings on the relationship between stress and acne, but more current research suggests a viable link. It's been a while since I have had to deal with finals, so I've been experiencing fewer skin issues. Unfortunately, finals week face is back with a vengeance.

In an attempt to not be overly negative, there are some positive effects unemployment has on your physical appearance. I've been having a string of good hair days. What's my secret? Not having any place to go. Letting my hair marinate in coconut oil for two hours while I watch the Today Show and update my resume. Taking extra long in the shower because I can shower at 1pm when no one else in my building is using hot water. So much freedom.

Something Profound I Heard the Other Day

When thinking about your career, ask yourself three questions.

1. What do I love?
2. What am I good at?
3. What does the world need?

Deep.

The Unemployment Diet

In addition to this delightful blog, I'm contemplating writing the next best selling diet book, "The Unemployment Diet". I've lost five pounds since receiving "the news" last Monday. Even better news, is that I foresee myself losing even more. Here is my four-point outline of how it works. I'm trusting all of you in blog-land to not scoop my book idea and publish it before I get the chance. Don't be like that. Don't kick an unemployed lady when she is down.

Phase 1: Allow the pure stress of losing your job to eat away at your insides.

I've always considered myself to be a stress eater. It's how I managed to gain about 30 pounds over the course of grad school. That and drinking alcohol excessively. However, I've decided that the relationship between stress and eating must be curvilinear (or at least a solid "s" curve). I think I experienced so much stress last week, that my desire to eat just shut down. In fact, I actually forgot to eat dinner one night and did not realize it until it was 11:30 at night and I was lying in bed trying not to have a panic attack about my future. I'm not saying this is a healthy way to lose five pounds, but if you have a little extra to spare in the first place, it certainly kick-starts things.

Phase 2: Assess your financial situation and realize you can't afford to eat out anymore.

I wouldn't say that I eat out a ton, but its about to become even less. I would often reward myself with an iced coffee and sausage McMuffin on a Friday morning after a long week. I would give into my Qdoba queso cravings when I didn't feel like cooking dinner (hey, it's hard living alone and cooking for one). Heck, I would even splurge on santa shakes when they in season at Goodrich. However, after carefully examining my spending habits, it looks like all this needs to stop. Sure, I may budget for the occasional treat, but I'm really going to try to go cold turkey. Saving money and calories!

Phase 3: No more sitting at a desk for eight hours a day.

Did you know that sitting all day can literally kill you? Research says it, so it must be true...In all seriousness, it was incredibly difficult for me to transition from working as a teaching assistant to sitting at a desk all day. True, I did a lot of sitting in grad school, but also plenty of walking across campus to different buildings, climbing stairs, and even the occasional late night bike ride, courtesy of the campus bike share program.

Phase 4: Use all of your unemployed time to go to the gym.

I hate going to the gym, mainly because I hate crowds of people. The only time I previously had to go to the gym was early in the morning (never happened) or after work when the place is packed. Now, I'm able to go any time of the day. Also, they have cable at the gym. Mainly Fox news, but if the place is empty, I get free reign over the controls.

Those are my basic starting points. I would also like to point out potential obstacles that could derail your unemployment diet...

Obstacle 1: People are going to buy you food and drinks.

One thing that is awesome about being unemployed, is that everyone who has your back wants to take you out. The offers for lunch, coffee, and drinks keep pouring in. Partially because I am delightful to hang out with, and because people want to hear my story. Either way, I'm not complaining. The key is moderation. Stop at two drinks, take half your meal home (less meals to cook!), and you'll be ok.

Obstacle 2: Don't eat your feelings.

As I mentioned before, extremely high levels of stress may cause you to lose your appetite. However, once things start to calm down, you might be tempted to drown your sorrows in ice cream and/or complex carbohydrates. It's ok to indulge on occasion, but do so with caution. Again, everything in moderation.

Obstacle 3: Healthy food is expensive.

A recent study suggests that people at a high risk for unemployment, may experience a 3-6% decrease in their consumption of fruits and vegetables, and an 8% decrease in eating salad. The authors suggest that mental health (see above) and income restrictions are both contributing factors. My N=1 case analysis, so far thinks they are spot-on. Fruits and vegetables are expensive! Why are my precious pink lady apples $3.99 per pound?! Is it Obama's fault? Oil barons? I don't know, but it needs to stop! You'll know I've hit rock bottom when you see me snacking on a Red Delicious apple. Gross.
I'm working on channeling my inner Cory Booker and trying to pay more attention to my purchases at the store. I'm also contemplating a part-time vegetarian life style. If it's eight bucks for a package of chicken breasts, I might as well stick to beans and canned veggies. I'd rather take that eight bucks and buy myself some quality apples.

Majestic!

My First Monday of Unemployment.

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.



Everyone hates Mondays. Garfield the cat was really onto something (also, lasagna is delicious). Today was my first Monday of being unemployed, and I have to tell you, it wasn't that bad. I purposely did not sleep in too much (I fear that is a slippery slope). I got up at a reasonable hour and had breakfast and caught part of the Today Show. Unfortunately, KLG and Hoda were interrupted by the President's press conference. While listening to the horribly crafted questions being thrown out by reporters, I sent some e-mails to some people telling them about my situation while crossing my fingers they might have work for me (side note: it's nearly 4pm, no offers yet). I also combed through my online banking and worked on editing my current budget to resemble more closely what my life was like as a poor graduate student (not too difficult).

My next goal was to clean up my kitchen. Specifically, the sink full of dishes left over from my week-long depressive episode last week. I also gave the refrigerator a much needed cleaning out (why is there nothing but cheese and alcohol in there?). After realizing the depressive state of my food supply, I make a quick trip to the grocery store. Fun fact, there were nothing but old men shopping at the store. New mission in life is to scour No Frills in search of my future sugar daddy shopping for cereal at 2pm on a Monday.

Now I'm working on my literature review for my dissertation while catching up on Golden Globes snark. I feel like I've been more productive than I was most Mondays at my job. On deck for the rest of the week? Cleaning the bathroom and living room. Re-writing my method section. And checking to see if the rest of the old men are at the gym in the afternoon...

Things that suck about being unemployed...

This is the first installment of what I expect to be many. Don't be alarmed by any negativity, because I plan a companion series called "Things that f-ing rule about being unemployed". Enjoy!

1. Puffy eyes and chapped nose. Luckily these two have mostly faded, but I feel an obligation to warn other potentially soon to be unemployed people out there. As I previously mentioned, stage one of losing your job involves tears when you are an emotional basket case like me. Fortunately for me, after finding out that I was losing my job I was told not to come to work the following day. This was a relief because my eyes were so puffy from crying I was unable to put my contacts in. Luckily I had the whole day to work on fixing it. I find that alternating between hot and cold washcloths worked pretty well. Also, cold spoons work wonders. For even more remedies, check out these awesome hints. After the puffiness subsided, the chapped nose arrived. After blowing my nose so much, it was left quite red and the skin began flaking off in the most unattractive manner (nose dandruff!). The best remedy for my chapped nose turned out to be lots of moisturizer, especially at night.

2. Tummy issues. My stomach has been a giant stress-filled knot all week. I'm sure it is primarily stress. It is a feeling I recognize, as I get the same one on the first day of teaching a class, taking comprehensive exams in grad school, and going on dates. All of these are guaranteed to make my stomach churn. So far this particular episode has been a dull, prolonged pain. Hopefully it goes away soon. Otherwise...

3. Crippling fear of things that could potentially cost you money. My stomach hurts. Should I go to the doctor? What if there is something wrong with me? What if I need surgery? What if it is an ulcer? Appendicitis? What if I need to use my insurance with a deductible of $5,000. Where will I get $5,000? Can I have a fundraiser? Would people donate? Is my car making a weird noise? It idles funny. What if I need a new car? What if someone hits my car and doesn't have insurance? Could I win a new car somehow? Could I sue to pay for the damages? Could I afford to hire a lawyer to sue? UGH, so many questions!

4. General concern over maintaining finances. I've always been very fiscally responsible. I have very little debt, which makes me very fortunate. However, the idea of having to live even more frugally than I have been is a little daunting. Why would Banana Republic taunt me with e-mail coupons. Don't they know I lost my job?! Maybe I should go to Banana Republic to just buy one thing to tide me over. I have a giftcard from Christmas, maybe I should just spend that. What if there is a good deal I can't turn down? Why are pink lady apples so damn expensive? Should I buy a different kind of apple? How much money could I save by switching to granny smith?

5. Unstructured time. This is going to take some work. I fear that it is only a matter of time until I give up showering and putting on real clothes, sleep until noon, and spend the rest of the day watching Netflix, or worse, bad daytime public television. My other fear, is constantly going out and spending money I don't have either shopping or purchasing outrageously priced apples.

I think I will stop at my top five concerns at the moment. There will be more. In order to end on a positive note, here is a website explaining why pink ladies are the greatest apples ever. This will maybe be its own blog post in the future...
http://www.apple-pinklady.com/faq

Unemployment Goals

I had my official meeting today to discuss my leaving. Tomorrow is officially my last day at work. I'm moving further out of anger and towards some form of acceptance. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm ready to put all of this emotional turmoil and stress behind me to begin moving forward. In addition to finding a new job, I've been thinking a lot about what else I might do with all of my free time.

1. Watch a lot of Netflix. I've already started doing this as a pleasant distraction from thinking too much about my future and lack of plans. So many shows to watch.

2. Go to the gym. I hate going to the gym in the early morning or after work. The best time to go to the gym is late morning or middle of the afternoon. I know this from my grad school days when I had random slots of time open. Old people, unemployed people, and weirdos go to the gym in the middle of the day. I am excited to join their ranks.

3. Eat and drink a lot. Fun fact. When you're unemployed, people want to take you out to cheer you up. I love it. As if I needed a reason to hang out.

4. Get rid of stuff. Before the new year, I took a ton of stuff to the Goodwill and also recycled a million magazines. I'm addicted to the feeling and ready to take it to the next level.

5. Go shopping in the middle of the day. The only catch is not spending money that I don't have. I will have to ration out the giftcards I got for Christmas for my shopping fixes.


6. Spend quality time with my kitty cat. Or at least try to get along. She already seems annoyed at my daily presence. I am cramping her style.

7. Watch the Today Show. This was my favorite part of being in grad school. Sleeping in and watching some KLG and Hoda.

8. Play lots of Words with Friends and other games on my phone. I might have 15 games of Hanging with Friends going at the moment...

9. Write a dissertation. For real. I could graduate in May if I hustle.

10. Write a blog about being unemployed.You're Welcome.