In addition to this delightful blog, I'm contemplating writing the next best selling diet book, "The Unemployment Diet". I've lost five pounds since receiving "the news" last Monday. Even better news, is that I foresee myself losing even more. Here is my four-point outline of how it works. I'm trusting all of you in blog-land to not scoop my book idea and publish it before I get the chance. Don't be like that. Don't kick an unemployed lady when she is down.
Phase 1: Allow the pure stress of losing your job to eat away at your insides.
I've always considered myself to be a stress eater. It's how I managed to gain about 30 pounds over the course of grad school. That and drinking alcohol excessively. However, I've decided that the relationship between stress and eating must be curvilinear (or at least a solid "s" curve). I think I experienced so much stress last week, that my desire to eat just shut down. In fact, I actually forgot to eat dinner one night and did not realize it until it was 11:30 at night and I was lying in bed trying not to have a panic attack about my future. I'm not saying this is a healthy way to lose five pounds, but if you have a little extra to spare in the first place, it certainly kick-starts things.
Phase 2: Assess your financial situation and realize you can't afford to eat out anymore.
I wouldn't say that I eat out a ton, but its about to become even less. I would often reward myself with an iced coffee and sausage McMuffin on a Friday morning after a long week. I would give into my Qdoba queso cravings when I didn't feel like cooking dinner (hey, it's hard living alone and cooking for one). Heck, I would even splurge on santa shakes when they in season at Goodrich. However, after carefully examining my spending habits, it looks like all this needs to stop. Sure, I may budget for the occasional treat, but I'm really going to try to go cold turkey. Saving money and calories!
Phase 3: No more sitting at a desk for eight hours a day.
Did you know that sitting all day can literally kill you?
Research says it, so it must be true...In all seriousness, it was incredibly difficult for me to transition from working as a teaching assistant to sitting at a desk all day. True, I did a lot of sitting in grad school, but also plenty of walking across campus to different buildings, climbing stairs, and even the occasional late night bike ride, courtesy of the campus bike share program.
Phase 4: Use all of your unemployed time to go to the gym.
I hate going to the gym, mainly because I hate crowds of people. The only time I previously had to go to the gym was early in the morning (never happened) or after work when the place is packed. Now, I'm able to go any time of the day. Also, they have cable at the gym. Mainly Fox news, but if the place is empty, I get free reign over the controls.
Those are my basic starting points. I would also like to point out potential obstacles that could derail your unemployment diet...
Obstacle 1: People are going to buy you food and drinks.
One thing that is awesome about being unemployed, is that everyone who has your back wants to take you out. The offers for lunch, coffee, and drinks keep pouring in. Partially because I am delightful to hang out with, and because people want to hear my story. Either way, I'm not complaining. The key is moderation. Stop at two drinks, take half your meal home (less meals to cook!), and you'll be ok.
Obstacle 2: Don't eat your feelings.
As I mentioned before, extremely high levels of stress may cause you to lose your appetite. However, once things start to calm down, you might be tempted to drown your sorrows in ice cream and/or complex carbohydrates. It's ok to indulge on occasion, but do so with caution. Again, everything in moderation.
Obstacle 3: Healthy food is expensive.
A recent study suggests that people at a high risk for unemployment, may experience a 3-6% decrease in their consumption of fruits and vegetables, and an 8% decrease in eating salad. The authors suggest that mental health (see above) and income restrictions are both contributing factors. My N=1 case analysis, so far thinks they are spot-on. Fruits and vegetables are expensive! Why are my precious pink lady apples $3.99 per pound?! Is it Obama's fault? Oil barons? I don't know, but it needs to stop! You'll know I've hit rock bottom when you see me snacking on a Red Delicious apple. Gross.
I'm working on channeling my inner
Cory Booker and trying to pay more attention to my purchases at the store. I'm also contemplating a part-time vegetarian life style. If it's eight bucks for a package of chicken breasts, I might as well stick to beans and canned veggies. I'd rather take that eight bucks and buy myself some quality apples.
Majestic!
